


Seducing Commitment - Steve Rogers x Reader

by musingpredilection



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anniversary, Compare and Contrast, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Marriage Proposal, Marvel Universe, Seduction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2020-01-05 10:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18363785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musingpredilection/pseuds/musingpredilection
Summary: Peggy’s legacy continues to haunt you.  One day, unfortunately, your year anniversary with Steve, this comes out.  How does Steve work this out?  How do you work this out?





	1. I Won’t Be Compared

    Pound.  Pound. Pound.  His fists hit the bag.  Pound. Pound. Pound.

_“God’s righteous man… pretending you could live without a war.” Ultron’s words rattle._

_“The war’s over, Steve.” Peggy’s voice flutters.  “We can go home.”_

Pound. Pound. Pound.

_“Steve, we’re already at war.”  your speech pierces.  “Why must we also wage battles at home?”_

Pound.  Pound. Pound.  Tiny sandy grain begins to pour out of the bag, as more words pour into his head.

_“The simple life.  You’ll get there one day.”  Stark says._

_“Family.  Stability.  The guy who wanted that went into the ice 75 years ago.  I think someone else came out.” His reply echoes._

Pound. Pound. Pound.

_“What are we doing then Steve?  I need more.  I won’t be compared to her.” your words bounce around.  “I’m not Peggy, Steve.  I can’t be.  I won’t be.”_

    Boom!  The punching bag goes flying back against the wall.  Sand bleeds out of it, littering the ground.  

    “Wow, lay off the bag.”  A slender spy sasses.  “It didn’t do anything to you.”

    “Uhg, hi Nat.” the soldier tilts his head side to side.  “Sorry.” he says dipping his head, bringing his hand up to the back of his neck.  

    “I thought it was your and Y/N’s anniversary dinner?” Nat questions, pulling a bag of her own up to the hangers nearby.  A nod of an answer is received as he does the same.  “You know, for a facility full of super humans, we sure have a ton of emotional imbeciles.”  Steve just shrugs and begins punching again, as the red head adds,  “And you’re one of them.”

    “What?!” Steve exclaims.  “Me?!  Hey I’m one of the better ones…”

    “That’s debatable.” Natasha begins assaulting her bag.  “You know she just wants stability and to belong.”  Again, just a nod.  “She’s not an avenger, so she doesn’t feel like she belongs here.  We’ve told she can be here whenever, and in fact she probably belongs here better than some of us.  The fact is has the Big A on the top makes her feel misfit, just as she has been all of her childhood.  Hell, she can take Sam or Lang down in the blink of an eye.  SHIELD should be honored to have her.  Coulson has sure taken her under his wing.”

    “Yeah, she quit the spy work for me.  Coulson says she is getting along well.  She and Simmons are making fast friends; Daisy is still weary of her.”

    “She’s got a right to be.  Wouldn’t expect anything less, especially since her S.O. was May.” Nat comments.  Steve grunts.  “The only question is… why are you here punching a bag instead of in bed with her getting exercise another way.”

    “Uhg…” Steve stops punching.  “I hate when you talk about that part of my personal life…”

    “Hey, I’m just say…” Natasha puts both hands up in surrender.  “You should be in the sack, not punch a sack.”

    “We argued.”

    “I figured.”  Nat resumes her drills.  “Feel free to open up whenever, or never, Steve.”

    “Huuuuuhhh…” Steve breathes out defeated.  He walks over to the bench and begins to remove his hand wraps.  “I can’t give her what she wants.”

    “And what exactly do you think she wants.”

    “A family.  A home.  A normal life.”

    “Rogers… seriously?!”  The spy quits all together spinning around to face the bench area, hands on hips.

    “Yes, Romanoff!” he roars.  Quiter he utters, “Yes, she told me to stop comparing her to Peggy.”

    “And are you?”

    “Sometimes, yes.”

    “Rogers…” Natasha sighs.

    “Nat, I can’t give her what she wants.”  Steve continues.

    “And has she told you this is what she wants?”

    “No, but that’s what all women want.  It’s what Peggy wanted.”

    “All Women.” Nat repeats.  “Steve, I’m going to say this once.  And once only.”  The super soldier stops untying his shoes and looks directly at the assassin.  “She wants to belong.”  He nods, resuming his untying.  “Make her feel like she belongs.  She doesn’t want that ‘normal’ stuff.  A white picket fence and yellow house is probably far from her mind.  A normal life… Can we ever really have that?  And Steve, she probably can’t have kids.” he looks back at her, jaw slack.  “Steve, be realistic.  In her line of work before, she was probably sterilized.”

    Steve eyes cloud.  “I’d never…”

    “Steve, she loves you.  She wants to trust you, believe that she really does belong with you, believe that you really are home, believe you are really 100% hers.”  Natasha shrugs.  “She needs that security.  And while your heart is still given to Peggy, she knows she won’t have that security.  So she’s backing out now.  It’s what she was taught.  It’s just what she does.  In this line of work, Rogers, we have to.  There’s no room for missteps.”  He nods again.  “Steve, Y/N already tried to give you trust: when she agreed to stop espionage and work for SHIELD.  She was trained to go in alone, seduce for the information, and leave.  Working in a team is not her ideal work, but she did it because you asked her to.  That’s how she gave you her heart… but you haven’t given her yours.  It’s been a year, and now she feels stupid for that, and is backing out.  Better late than never.  She will be gone when you get home.”  Nat assures.

    “She already is.  She left tonight at dinner.”  Steve’s head hung low.

    “So why are you here?”

    “Hurt words were exchanged.  Angry and potent remarks were traded, ok?”

    “And…”

    “And I know we meant them.” Steve hangs his head.

    “Again, I repeat… AND?!  Steve, she won’t come back on her own.  If you want this to be worked out, you will have initiate that conversation.”  Nat pauses.  “Do you love her Steve?  Do you want to love her forever?”

    “Yes.”

    “Then I think you have your answer.” Nat returns to her drills.

* * *

    “Hey, you can’t do that.” Simmons shouts.  “That’s cheating.”

    “No it’s creative play.” Daisy smirks.

    “Doesn’t matter, Tremors, we’ll still beat you!” Mac says to his partner.

    “Any day, all day.” you say, as your animated character runs behind a bush and scares Simmons character.  “HA!”

    “Ah… I hate playing these with you guys.  You all are too competitive and there’s little intellectual skill required.”

    “Hey!”  “Ouch that Hurt!”  “Look who’s talking, the Loser.” you all blurt at the same time.

    “It’s ok, Simmons, we’ll get them next time.  Ok, partners together this time?”

    “Yeah, sounds good.  Bye Mac, I’ll whip your butt this time!”  you snark.

    “Hardly…” he playfully shoves you.  

    “Hey Y/N, Simmons, Coulson wants you in the briefing room right now.” May says over the intercom into the room.  Sighing, you put down the controller.

    “Just kidding, next time Crew.”

    You and Simmons scurry off to the briefing room.

    “So you and Cap… rough patch.” Simmons says timidly.

    “Yeah something like that.” you say nonchalantly.  “Fritz enjoying the pure lab work.”

    “Definitely he gets to work on…” Simmons babbles about sciency stuff.  “Though I think he misses field work, because he doesn’t get to work with me every day.  But we see each other every night, so it’s not that bad.”

    “That’s good.” you say, not really listening to all the sciency words.  

    “Anyway, wondering what this is about?” Simmons begins to speculate as you round the corner.  “We’ll find out soon enough.”

    You open the door for Simmons, and you step into the grey colored room. A table centers the room with chairs surround it.  The front chair is occupied with Coulson. May sits in the chair next to it.  Surprisingly, a third chair is filled.

    “May, Coulson.” Simmons says cheerfully.  “Oh, hello, Captain.”

    You scowl, “Rogers.”  May and Coulson turn and make a face at one another.

    “Y/L/N, Simmons, take a seat.” Coulson invites.

    You pull out the grey chair.  When you sit down, you slouch back, “So Phil, what are we doing?”  you direct your question at Coulson, but stare dead eyed at Steve.

    “We have some intel we need from Markov Chernoff.”  May says.

    “The Russian military director?”  Simmons utters.

    “Yes.  We need a team of highly trained operatives to go in and obtain some bodily fluid and match it to some unknown we have.” Steve says.

    “Which is why you need us.” Simmons says, understandingly.

    “Why not send, Daisy and Mac?” you counter.  “They can get blood easier than I can.”

    “It’s not blood we need.” May says, eyeing your reaction.

    “I see.” you crack your knuckles.  You nervously look at Coulson.  He also is gauging your reaction.  You can tell both May and Coulson are nervous.  They don’t know about the blowup from Steve a week ago.  In fact, they don’t know that you haven’t seen Steve or spoken to him since then.  They were just worried about you stepping back into your past work.  “I can get it.”  you say finally.

    “We have a ‘stick’ of sorts that you can bring, that can conduct the measurements and send the information back to me.” Simmons explains, not noticing the awkward air in the room.  “Why do we need it?”

    “It’s classified.” Steve says.  

    “Y/L/N, you know what this might entail?  Are you prepared?” May asks.

    “Yes.”

    “Y/N,” Coulson says softer than May, “Are you sure?  This is why you left, and you are here.  You are going to probably have to go all the way…”

    He eyes your reaction again.  This time you look Coulson directly in the eyes.  “I can do it.  In and out.”

    “Y/N,” Steve speaks up, “You don’t have to.”  he tries to reach for your hand across the table, but you pull away.  “We can find someone else.”

    “No.”  you say flatly, still staring at Coulson.  “I’ll do it.  Fly out tonight?”  You ask.  Coulson nods.

    “Ok, are we dismissed?”  you say abruptly standing up.  “I need to get some stuff.”

    “Yes, dismissed.” Coulson says, still trying to gauge you.  

    You nod and walk out of the room, leaving the door open behind you.  You can hear the conversation.

    “Simmons, is she ok?” Coulson asks.

    “Oh yeah, just a bit of a rough patch…” she explains.  “Well with you.” you assume she tilted her head to Rogers.

    “Rough patch eh?” Coulson echoes.

    “Yeah, not her wording.. Well actually she hasn’t spoken much about it.  You know how she is.”  Simmons doesn’t seem worried.  “Well, I also need to grab some stuff.  Coulson, May.  Captain.” she excuses herself.

    “Rogers, care to explain?” May asks.  
    “I don’t know.” Steve bits his bottom lip.  “But that look in her eyes.  The defiant, cold glazed over appearance.  Those are her work eyes.  She’ll get the job done.” he confirms.

    “Oh we know that, but emotionally, can she handle it?” Coulson mutters, more to himself than anyone particularly.

    Steve corners you as you load the helicarrier.  “Y/N, can we talk?”

    “What’s there to talk about?” you continue to load the box of equipment that Simmons needs.  “It’s been a week.”

    “I know…” Steve said.  “I just needed to sort some stuff out.”

    “Did you?”

    “What?”

    “Did you sort it out?” you repeat.

    “Yes,” Steve says.  He grabs the final crate.  “Y/N, can we just talk for a second?  In private?”

    Sighing you agree, and you find a quiet training room to talk.

    “Y/N,” Steve says solemnly.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for not committing.  I’m sorry I won’t compare you.”

    “Thanks Steve.” you say.

    “Y/N, I love.” He says.  “I trust you, I believe in you.  I want your home to be where I am.  I will never stop loving you.”  He pulls out a ring from his pocket.  “I want more too.”   

    You look at him eyes wide.  “Steve.”  You back up as he steps forward.  “Steve…”

    “I love you, Y/N.  Marry me.”

    He reaches out to grab your hand.  You pull away swiftly.  “I… I… what about this mission?”

    “It’s only one.  Then we can move on.” Steve says, slightly confused.  “Y/N, I want this.  I want you to be mine.  I want to be yours.”

    “I…” you back up another step into the side of the open door.  “I can’t.” you blurt and rush back to the helicarrier.   You can hear him calling your name.

    May comes around the corner, and you nearly collide into her.  “Y/L/N, you ok?” she eyes you.

    “Yep, all ready.  Are you piloting us?”

    “Yep, let’s go.”  You and she walk to the helicarrier.  You sit across from Simmons, cracking your knuckles.

The mission is a success.  Seduction, sex, and success.  May tells you and Simmons that by getting this information; it closes a case and shuts down a huge trafficking ring.  It’s all good now.  That’s not what Coulson seems to think though, seeing as he is yelling at you right now for being reckless.

“Recklessness, Y/N, what were you thinking?”

“I got what you needed.” you justify.

“Yes, but I also need healthy, _alive_ agents.” Coulson says.  “He was choking you!”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Simmons says she could hear you gurgling and sputtering.” Coulson continues.  He shakes his head.  “I told myself, I would not ask you this.  I would never ask you this.”  He looks back at you.  “Y/N, why did you get into this business?  Why seduction espionage?”

“I was raised to do it.” you say flatly.

“Oh God.” Coulson shakes his head.  “What happened between you and Rogers?”

“Nothing.  It just didn’t work out.”

“Y/N,” he seems to know that’s not the whole truth.  You just shake your head and crack your knuckles.  “You remind me of when you first came here.  Over the past year, I’ve enjoyed seeing you warm up.  You seem to put more value on your life again.  Rogers seemed to be good for you.  Pulled you out of your shell.”  Coulson babbles.  “Just promise me, you’ll be more cautious.”

You agree and are dismissed from his office.  Though this wouldn’t be the first or the last time you were in his office for this.  The next time was another reckless concern.  The following month, he asks you to talk to Steve, because he’s tired of getting calls and messages from the soldier.  The months following, May questions your sleeping around habits.  The final time, Coulson leaves you and Steve in a room together.  “Work it out, or never leave.” he says, before closing the door and locking you both into a small interrogation room.

“Y/N…” Steve starts.

“Rogers.” you snide back.

“What has happened to you?”

“Nothing.  I’ve always been this way.”  you stare dead eyed at him. “Don’t like what you see?”

“No.  I don’t.  Coulson says you’ve been reckless, and who knows how many men you have slept with in the past 6 months.” he says matching coldness.  “You could have just said, ‘no.’.”

You scowl at him for bring that up.  “You could have not proposed.”  He opens his mouth, but you continue. “Why did you think that was appropriate?”

“Y/N, I thought that’s what you wanted… commitment to you?” Steve still seems wordless on this matter.  “I love you.  Why have you push me away?  I want you.”

This leaves you speechless.  “Steve, I can’t give you what you want. I’m not what you want.  I’m nothing like Peggy.  I never will be.”

“I don’t want Peggy.  I want you.  Y/N Y/L/N I want YOU.” he says intently back you.

“I’m sorry.  You don’t.  You want Peggy.” you wrap your arms around yourself. 

“No I want Y/N.”  Steve is adamant.  “I love YOU!”

You stare back at him with slight emotion. “Goodbye Steve.”  You stand up, cracking your knuckles.  “Coulson, open this door.”  You slam your hand against it.

“Y/N,” Steve reaches for your hand.

“Don’t!” you flinch at the contact.  You lash out and punch his jaw.  For a woman who is grown up with men touching you in the most private ways, the slightest intimate touch sets you off.  

As Steve rubs his jaw, he recall this.  How generally platonic contact sets you off.  Instead of handing up his hands in surrender, he touches your shoulder.  “I’ll wait.”


	2. I Will Never Belong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are surviving while seeking to feel some sort of control and searching for a place to belong. Will that be with SHIELD, with Steve, with the Avengers?

   “Is this how you like it?”  you whisper into the ear of a man whose lap you are straddling.  He merely groans.  “Ah, good.” you moan and roll your hips up against the tent forming in his pants.  His head flops back as his hips thrust upward.  Seeing him full putty in your hands, you nibbly twist around his back, wrap your arms around his exposed neck.  Your forearm is digging into his throat before he can realize it.  With his body limply on the ground, you speak, “Alright, guys, all clear.  Come one in.”

   At your queue, several SHIELD agents flood in and begin to ransack the place.  Each seems to be on a mission to discover everything they can about this man.  

   “Good job, Y/L/N,” Mac says patting you on the back.

   “Yeah, you did good in here.” Daisy pats your arms before following her partner into the scene.

   “Thanks.” you grin back.  “A good day at the office.”

   “You could say that again.” Coulson chuckles.  “You took down 13 men today with that technique.” He observes strutting in.  “Work day’s over for you.  Head back to the Quinjet.  May is there and will pilot you and Simmons back to base.  Clean up and I’ll see you back at base.  Don’t forget about the meeting later tonight.”

   “Yeah, yeah, whatever, thanks Dad.” you groan and make your way out of the scene.  You stride down the hall and up the stairs of the back stairwell.  The railing holds you up as you topple against the concrete stairs.  The coldness of the stone seems to warm your soul.  It’s been six months since Steve proposed and you have barely spoken to him.  How could something go to shit so fast? You continuously ask yourself.  He couldn’t commit.  You remind yourself.  You remind yourself that you will never belong.  He will always compare you to Peggy.  You simply cannot go through life living in the shadow of the greatest female agent.  If you are honest with yourself, really honest truly honest, it’s not that you fear Steve will always compare, but that you can’t compare.  How could you?  You have no honor, no metals, nothing but the skill of seducing men to tell you their secrets.  Simply a tool to be used, nothing more.  Once a tool used by the Russians, but now the property of SHIELD.  Dad frowns upon your choice of male companionship; mom turns a blind eye to all the men that spend no more than a few hours in your bed.  

    To you, this was just the way to live, the only way to survive.  You have control in this.  You control who touches you; you control who fucks you.  In your line of work that control comes in small quantities.  As much as you are unwilling to admit, this has begun to take a toll on your body.  Your clothes have become to hang off your body when they once clung to your curves.  Your face has hallowed and your eyes are blank.  Your mind continues to race as your hand loses its grip on the stairwell railing.  Your body slumps against the grey stairs.

    “Up here! Over here!”  A frantic voice calls.  “She’s here on the stairs!”

    Another voice speaks.  “Damn, Y/L/N.”  The deep voice grows closer.  “I told her to go to the quinjet.  Why is she here?” Suddenly your body is hosted bridal style, by probably the owner of the voice.  “How many times is this month?”

    “Seven.” You know that voice.  It belongs to a woman who is the closest to a mother that you’ve ever know.

    “Maybe she’ll stay out a bit longer so I can do vitals on her.  Last time she woke and ripped out all the IVs I had in her.”  That voice.  Uhg, that voice belonged to your best friend and doctor.  She was always caring for you: a little too much your liking.

    “Let’s get her back into the quinjet, and May, get that bird up in the air and back to base!” the deep voice commands again climbing stairs quickly with your body in his arms.  Your body is unceremoniously placed across the seats against the wall and you drift out of consciousness.

    Rather than the normal bright lights shining down into your eyes as you regain consciousness.  A warm lamp emits minimal rays.  The world blurs as you stretch your neck.  A tinge catches your attention and your hand flies to the ache.  You feel a small scab formed there, from a needle inserted.

    “Simmons gave you a sedative with some healing stuff mixed in.  I’m not sure exactly.” A painfully familiar voice tells you.

    You nod your head slowly, as you struggle to focus on the figure in the corner.  “Steve?” you rasp.  

    “Hello, Y/N.,” he says not coldly, but certainly without the normal warmth that comes with his voice saying your name.

    You clear your throat, “What are you doing here?”

    “I am here for the meeting later.” His gaze moves up and down your body.  “Y/N…” he bites his bottom lip slightly as if wondering if he should continue.  It appears he does think this conversation is necessary because he continues to speak.  “What has happened to you?”

    You move to sit up against the headboard while simultaneously cracking your knuckles.  “Nothing.”

    “Nothing,” the soldier scoffs.  “Why are there bruises all over your body?”  You scowl at him, but he proceeds,  “Why are they in the form of a man’s hand over your hips?”  

    You swing your legs over the side of the bed away from him, thus giving him a cold shoulder.  You step into your shoes before leaning down to tie them.  Wincing slightly you bite down on your lip to stop from moaning out.  Once you have successfully tied them, you stand and move towards the door.

    “Y/n,” Steve puts his hand on your shoulder to stop you.  Immediately you turn and find your fist connects with his hand, instead of his jaw.  He is prepared for you this time and catches your other hand before it comes up to strike him.

    “Rogers?” you spit.  “What do you want?  I’m sure it will come up in the meeting since you have all seemed to ogle at my body.”

    “I want you to be ok.” He says with worry written all over his face.

    “Oh, and why’s that, Steve?”  you glare at him.  “See as we haven’t talked in over six months.  I don’t see where I am your concern.”

    “I will ALWAYS care about you, Y/N.  I love you.  I want you to be ok.  I want you to be safe.” Steve returns passionately.  Love.  That word, uhg, it really digs into your heart.  That word could get you to come crawling back to his arms.  Arms that hold you safe, that secure you tightly.  Hands that know your body but don’t leave marks.  

    For a moment, Steve sees some of you, the woman he fell in love with, return.  He can see the compassion behind the haunted eyes.  The contours of your cheeks are sharper but for a second a rosiness masks that.  Then the clouds return over your eyes and your jaw clenches.  You crack your knuckles as you glance down at your hands.  You look up again directly into his eyes.  He can see the struggle that you are having internally.  He can see your desire to belong, to be safe, to be loved; yet he can also see the cold and calculating spy emerging.  

    He opens his mouth to speak, but you beat him to the punch.  “See you in the meeting, Rogers.”  And with that, you twist the door handle open.

    The meeting is held in another grey conference room.  God, you wonder, could we not have a cheerful meeting room?  The billionaire Tony Stark sits across from the super soldier near the head of the table.  Coulson seems to be whispering something softly to May as you enter.  Once again you are the last one.  At least this time you aren’t late.  

    “Ah, hi, Miss Y/L/N.” Stark stands, extending a hand.  You politely accept.  “Nice to see you again.”

    “Same to you, Tony.” Even though you used to live at the compound, you rarely saw Stark.  Formalities still seem to be necessary.

    “Alright, so let’s just get down to business.” Coulson has a rather professional attitude tonight.  

    “Ok, well, we wanted to talk to you about the possibility of you joining the Avengers.” Steve gauges you for a reaction.

    Externally you simply turn to your superiors, “Coulson?  May?  What do you think?” Internally your mind spins.  Is this just a way for SHIELD to get rid of you?  Have you not done well enough?  Perhaps their tired of your antics and the best place to ship you to is the Avengers.

    “Well, we aren’t thrilled.  It’s nice to have another youngster running around.” Coulson says.

    “Yes, we have gotten into a bit of a habit of picking up skilled ‘youngsters’,” May cringes a bit repeating Coulson’s terminology.  “But I also think this could be a fantastic opportunity for you.  The Avengers need another covert spy.  Romanoff is getting a bit too old to pass as a call girl.  She’s also just ready to train the next batch.” May tilts her head slightly.  “But you are also a huge asset here.  Look at what you accomplished today.”

    You nod slightly.  “There’s also another thing.  If you accept Simmons will be transferred to the Avengers as well.  Dr. Banner is looking for another hand in the lab, and he’s personally requested her for quite a while.”  Steve informs you.

    “Does she want to go?” you ask.

    “Yes,” Coulson replies.

    “Simmons and you would move into the compound and become Avengers.  We have rooms side by side for the two of you, and we hope we can make you as comfortable as possible there in the transition.  We could really use two women with your skill sets.”  Stark details.  Skillset.  That’s right, you’re only a huge asset to quote May.  Heck, might as well.  Living conditions would be better, and this could be really beneficial for Simmons’ career.

    “Ok, I’ll go,”  you say.  “When do we leave?”

    “Well,” Coulson says.  Here it comes.  They are going to question you.  You’ve been waiting for this to come.  “You will depart tomorrow morning.”  It doesn’t come.

    “Ok.” you move to stand up.

    “Sweet.” Stark claps his hands together.  “We will have a party at the end of the week to welcome you both to the team.”

    Coulson adds, “Gemma is in the infirmary.  She will probably want to run a few more tests on your health tonight.” You nod and exit the room.  You let out a breath that you hadn’t realized you were holding in.

    “This will be good for her.” May say from the room.

    “Yeah, Nat will keep her busy and keep her eating.” Tony comments.

    “She’s lost so much weight since I last saw her.  It’s hard to believe that she’s the same girl…”

    “Yeah, and Gemma will be there to keep an eye on her and provide some familiarity,” Coulson adds.

    Within the week, you and Gemma have busied yourselves at Avengers Compound.  You now see the reasoning why this was such a good move.  It’s not all the training that Nat has for you… it’s that you can’t have any external visitor since the compound location is unknown.  Additionally, the compound is far off in the countryside of New York, so you can’t just make quick trips to the city to find satisfaction.

    You find your control in snogging Sam everywhere.  The teapot whistles as he pushes you up against the counter.  His lips are carving their own path down your jawline towards your neck.  You pull him back to meet your lips.

    “Get a room.” Steve enters the kitchen removing the kettle off the burner.  “Oh wait you already have one.”

    You push Sam off of you and wipe your lips with the back of your hand.  Steve glares at his friend.  The man just shrugs while eyeing your ass swaying to the music coming from Stark’s labs.

    “Sam, what the hell are you doing?” Steve asks as you leave the kitchen, bound for Banner’s labs.  

    “Hey she’s single Man.” he retorts.  “But if it makes your super protectiveness feel better.  She won’t sleep with me.  It’s just been making out.  I’ve got a feeling it’s got to do with you Tough Guy.”  You don’t hear Steve’s reply as you round the corner.

“Hey, Y/N, Nat’s in the interrogation room.  She’s got some exercise for you guys for the end of the day.”  Banner says.

    “Ok,” you reply.  “How’s Gemma doing?”

    “Oh, Gemma is spectacular.  What a brilliant mind, with intelligent well, thought out solutions.” Bruce beams.

    You smile over at your friend who is in another room with glass walls.  She is hovering over a few Petri dishes.  You make your exit to a few rooms down from the labs to the interrogation rooms.  You find Nat is sitting sipping coffee waiting for you in the conference room.

    “Hey, Y/N,” she puts her cup down on the table.  “I just wanted to check in with you and chat.”  She clears her throat and motions for you to sit beside her in the puffy conference room chairs.  “What is going on with you and Sam?” she asks.

    “Nothing, just screw around,” you say.

    “Do you want anything to go on?” Nat asks.  You shake your head. “Then why are you doing anything?  Can’t you see that it’s breaking Rogers?”

    “I don’t care.  He doesn’t care for me.” you become defensive almost immediately.

    “That’s not true.”

    “Which one?” you counter.

    “Both.  He certainly does care for you.  A ton.  In fact, he loves you.  To see his careless friend making out with the love of his life every time he turns must be awful.”

    “I’m not the love of his life.  Peggy is.”

    “Peggy is dead.” Nat counters this time.  She shakes her head, never wanting to get in between this at all.  “Steve hates that he compared you to her.”

    “I won’t be compared!” you seeth.

    “I know.  And he knows that.  He doesn’t compare you.  Not anymore.”  Nat gauges your attitude.  “Yet, it seems it’s too late, seeing as you have moved on.”

    Your demeanor changes as if you have been deflated.  You utter, “I just want to belong.”

    “You do belong.” Nat coaxes.  “You belong with SHIELD, you belong with the Avengers.  You belong here.”

    “No, I don’t.  I’m just a tool.  Just an asset.” you look the assassin deep in the eyes.  “You, know as well as I do that’s all we’ll ever be.”

    She doesn’t answer that, but merely says, “But what if you could belong with Steve?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, thus concludes the 2nd part. Thank you SO SO much for reading!! There will be a third and final part. 
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on here or Tumblr [@musingpredilection]. I'm always open to requests :)


	3. I Promise I'll Stay

    Parties.  Half of your time spent at the Avengers compound seems like just getting ready for parties and events.  Tonight is similar to the night that you and Jemma became full-fledged Avengers, apart of the squad so to speak.  It’s elegant and routy at the same time.   The boys are in tuxes and the girls are in long dresses.  

   “Quit fidgeting.  You look great!” Jemma chastised.

   “I look dumb, Jemma.”  you moan.  “Like I’m trying too hard.”

   “Come on,” she says in her sweet accent, pulling you by the arm.  “Let’s get a drink and just dance the night away.”

    “Fair.” you agree and follow her down the hall to the elevator. 

    The party is already raging by the time you arrive.  The lights are dimmed, but the strobes keep the mood alive.  The Avengers are all in a huddle near the edge drinking away from the groups of people there.  Steve catches your eye.  He dawns a sleek monkey suit tonight.  In attempts to avoid, you beeline for the bar.

    “I’ll have two of whatever Tony’s strongest is.” you tell the bartender.

    “Coming right up.” he replies getting to work.

    As your drinks come up, a voice startles you.  “You drinking both, Love?”

    You nearly choke on your own saliva before drawing the glass to your lips and gulping deeply of the burning liquid.  “Love?  That’s a bit inappropriate don’t you think?” you turn around to face the super soldier.  

    “Well, it seems like an alright term of endearment for a woman that I do indeed love.” Steve romances.

    You roll your eyes before taking another swig, downing the first drink.  “Get me drunk tonight Steve, and maybe I’ll love you too.” you snark.  

    You remark cuts deep.  You can see it written all over his face.  You were mean.  But before you can grab the second drink, Steve swipes it away.  “We both know you don’t need to be drunk to know who you really love.” He says pointedly before drinking the full glass in one swig.  

    “Hope you enjoyed the drink.” you wave to the bartender to pour another.

    “Y/N…” he puts his hand over yours that’s reaching for another drink.  “Why don’t we just go talk?  You don’t like these kinds of parties, and you know that I don’t.  We’d have…”

    “Let me cut you off right there, Captain.”  You emphasize the professionalism of your relationship has taken.  “We haven’t talked about anything more than work.  And you come up and try to romance the pants off of me.  Well, that’s not how this works.”  you grab your drink and make you way from the bar.  You pause for a second turning around to add, “besides, I don’t have pants on.  Nice try though.”  You just couldn’t help yourself from flirting a little.  It was too much fun.  And… and it gave you a sense of control.  After all this was your specialty.

The night carries along, and you find a beautiful agent who is more than willing to aide your use of alcohol.  His smile is the only thing that is steady in the world now.  His strong arms wrap around you while you sway off beat now.

    Your laughing and stumbling around has Steve on edge.  “Buck, I just don’t get why she keeps pushing me away.”  

The winter soldier shakes his head.  “Steve, I don’t know what to tell you, Man.  Her walls have gone up again, and if I’m honest, I don’t know if they will ever come back down again.”

    “Her walls sure do flirt with a lot of men.” Steve snides jealousy.

    “It’s her way of control.” Buck takes a swig of the asgardian liquor.  “God knows we all need a little of that in all our lives.  Each and every one of us is just fighting to stay in control.”

    “Yeah…” Steve mutters as Buck disappears into the crowd.

    The night seems to snail by.  Each change of song, Steve glances around the room to find your figure hanging off a youthful SHIELD agent.  

    “Jemma!” You bubble.  “Remember when…” Your voice is drowned out by the music.  

   Steve bitterly watches the SHIELD agent laughing with you about an inside joke from the Triskelion.  He slumps back over to the bar.  Even if the drinks wouldn’t impair his senses, it would at least give him something to do.  The night rages on with Tony making an announcement that the music is getting turned up, and that the night is young.

   Steve takes a slight glance back over to where he last saw you.  Conveniently you are now hanging off of another guy.  One he does not recognize.  

    “Hey… hey,” you slur.  “Hand off, Bud.”

    “Sorry, we’re just having fun, Babe.” He says leaning in to kiss you.  You sway away, by accident.  The alcohol rushes through your veins.  Normally when you do this, there’s only a pretense of your intoxication.  In reality, you are fully alert.  But this time, you are losing control quicker and quicker.

    “Uhm, I’ll…” you step to the side to try to get away from this guy’s grasp.  The world dances around you as you collide with another firm body.  “Uff.  Sor..sorrly.” you slur.

    “Y/N?” Sam cradles your arm.

    “Hey Man, I got her.” The man comes up from behind to grab your waist.  Your naturally lean back into him.  “We were just headed up to her room.”

    “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”  Sam eyes this guy up, while motioning to Bucky to help him out.  “We can take her from here.”  You don’t protest when Bucky comes over and beckons you to his own side.

    “It’s ok, I…”  The guy stutters as Bucky steps in front of you to tower over him.  “I’ll just let you guys handle it.”  he says before dashing off.  He has no intentions of getting into it with some Avengers just to get some.  

    “Alright, you ok?  Y/N…” Sam turns to find you already gone.  Bucky and Sam turn around to find you once again at the bar downing another shot.

    “I got this.” Bucky sighs before heading in your direction.

    “Bucky!” You smile wide at him.  “Dude, here…” you slide him a shot glass.  “Bottoms up.”  He took the glass and drank it to humor you.

    “Alright.  You ready to call it a night?” Bucky asks, eyeing Steve wandering over.  Steve watches as you shake your head and try to walk back out to the dance floor.  You stagger forward and Steve reaches out to stabilize you.

    “Hey, Y/N…” His hand naturally finds your waist.  Out of instinct you lean up again him.  He’s firm, and sturdy and wow, so handsome… 

    “Uhm… uhhh.” you stutter recoiling quickly.  Steve’s eyes give away his hurt.  “I can’t I’m sorry.”

    “Y/N… here.” He puts his hand on your lower back.  “Let me help.”  
    “Steve…” your eyes betray you as well.  The love of loving someone who you know you will never be worthy of.  For a second the intoxication seems to be lost as you stare directly into Steve’s soul.  It’s lost when you fold over, rushing to a trash can.  

    Bucky puts his hand on Steve’s chest.  “Let me.”  If Steve’s eyes could express any other hurt, they definitely reached their limit here.  It should be him helping you, caring for you, loving you…

    Bucky comes over and holds your hair back as you continue to belch.  When you finally stand up straight again.  You speak softly, “I think I am going to head upstairs.”

    Bucky’s voice is soft matching yours.  “I think that is a good idea Doll.  Here let me help you.” He lets you put your arm around his wait and he drapes his around your shoulders.  You lean up against him as he guides you upstairs.

    “Why are guys such assholes Buck?” you pout as he helps you to your bed.  He chuckles a bit.  “I’m not kidding, all they want is a good fuck.”

    He studies you for a second.  “Not all of them, Doll.”

    You huff.  “He doesn’t want me Bucky.”  You roll your eyes.

    “Y/N…” Bucky tries to catch your eyes.  When you stare at him like a deer in headlights, he stares directly into your pain.  “Steve really does love you.”

    “Well he shouldn’t.” you shake your head and look away.  Sighing, you stare Bucky directly in the eyes.  He almost wouldn’t think you were drunk except the smell drips off of you.  “Don’t get me wrong.  I love Steve.  I love him with everything I am.  And now I know tonight, he loves me too.  Am I shocked?  Yes.  Of course, he’s been avoiding me like the plague…  But I could see it in his eyes tonight.  He loves me.  And I love him.  But.”  You swallow.  “But he can’t.  I can’t.  I can’t be what he needs.  I can’t.  I just can’t.”

    “Why don’t you let him decide what he needs.” Bucky suggests softly.

    “I did that already Bucky.  He decided he needs Peggy.  He needs stability, intelligence, and beauty.  He needs someone to be his other half.  All of what I cannot be.”  You crack your knuckles before turning your gaze away.  “Bucky, I can never be those things.  I’m an assassin.  I work alone.”  you pause before stating the worst of them all, at least from what you think Steve thinks is the worst.  “I am a prostitute by profession.”

    Bucky takes a deep breath, “Steve will never stop loving you.” you shrug and lay back against the mattress.  Your eyes flutter as you hear “… loves everything about you.”  You drift to sleep as you hear,  “He wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

   Over the next months, you become more comfortable around Steve again.  If he would really never want to change anything about you, perhaps you could be friends again.  You laughed around him again.  Oh how he’s missed seeing your eyes sparkle.  You talk about more than the professional work stuff, occasionally some personal tangents find their way into your conversations.  That silent comfort returns.  

    And then there was that one time that you fell asleep across Steve’s lap during a movie night.  He had gently carried you back to your room.  A small kiss had been shared that night.  It was timid and testing.  Both of you unsure what the other was thinking.  Both of you desperate to feel that spark again, to test the waters.  Another time, your hormones had been raging.  You were drunk, he was available.  It was fast and sloppy, and he was gone the next morning.  

    A giggle fills the common room of the compound.  A blonde struts across the room and loops her hand into the crook of the elbow of a certain super soldier.  You can’t help but stare.  Her hand is where yours used to find comfort and security.  You berate yourself reminded that it’s your fault that she’s even here.  As she bats her eyelashes at him, you see his eyes crinkle and the corners of his lips turn up.  A gentle chuckle escaped as he guides her through the room.  

    When she opens her mouth, you are shocked.  This beautiful woman is stable.  She talks about the children, the engineering firm, her dog at home.  She lives a normal life.  She’s strong.  She’s smart.  She’s got her life together.  She’s a modern day Peggy Carter.

    “Steve…” your voice betrays your mind.  Your breathy utterance of his name catches his attention.  He glances over in your direction where you stand against the counter top.  His face reflects regret and mourning.  You crack your knuckles before turning to walk out of the kitchen.  You refuse to watch him to walk out with his date.  

    “Steve.” you hear the blonde say.  You’re assuming he was still staring, and the blonde intrigued at his change in attitude.  “Steve?”  

   You didn’t hear his response as you escape to your room.  There you wrap a blanket around your shoulders.  It’s a shoddy attempt to provide the comfort that you used to seek from that soldier.  It’s times like these that you wish the compound were closer to town, so you could sneak into a bar, find a random man, and fulfill that desire.  Later that night, you find yourself once again rejected.  You had sought the comfort of Sam, but this time he denied you.  He was tired of being used as a tool to hurt Steve.  

   “They can’t keep doing this.  One of them is going to get hurt.” you hear Sam say to an unknown party in the kitchen.  “Steve thinks he can play along with her game.  But he can’t.”

   “Of course not, we’ve been trained to be able to put emotions in a box and not feel.” the unknown person becomes known.  Nat knows exactly how that emotionless part of you ticks on.

   She was right.  You have let yourself bring emotions back into the game.  Since the night you spilled your heart to Bucky, you screwed up.  Steve had wormed his way back into your heart.  That needed to be fixed immediately.  And immediately you went to town to fix that.

    You overhear Steve telling Bucky that he is jealous of you sleeping with other guys.

    “That’s not fair, Steve.” Bucky says.

    “I know…” Steve sighs.

    “That’s not fair to Emily,” That’s the blonde’s name you think.  “Or to Y/N.”

    About a week later, Steve returns home from a date with the Emily girl.  You’re in the kitchen slinking off to your room again.  He eyes you and follows you.

    “Y/N…” he says huskily.

    “Steve?” your eyes scan his body.

    “I broke up with her.”  He says.  Your body betrays you as you smile slightly.  He steps into your room, and you turn from facing him.  You feel his body heat against your back as his breathe whispers, “I miss you.”

    You close your eyes, breathing in deep before turning to face him.  You stand on your tiptoes and place your lips on his lightly.  

    Soon the passion is radiating off of Steve.  Your legs are wrapped around his waist as he deliberately places you on the bed.  You roll your hips up at him eliciting a moan from him.  

    “Mhhhmmm….”  “I love you.”  The words just slip from your lips.

    “Then marry me,” he says into the crook of your neck as he makes his way down your artery.  You mind is clouded as he sucks on that one spot.

    “You know I can’t do that…” you reply.  “I won’t be compared.”

    Steve stops abruptly pushing himself up off of you.  His eyes are clouded with pain.  “I can’t do this.”  

   You reach up to kiss him again as your hands find his belt buckle.  “Stop thinking, Captain.  It doesn’t have to mean anything.”  

   He looks as if he might cry.  “That’s just it.  I’m sorry.  I just can’t.”  He pushes your hands away.  “That’s just it, Y/N, I want this to mean something.”  He swiftly and discreetly adjusts himself.  “I’m sorry.  I need this to mean everything.”

   That word, “Everything” hangs in the air after he’s left you shocked on the corner of your bed.  Both of you left heart broken again and sexually frustrated to beat.  You can’t seem to fault him though.  He was never one for a pick up.  But you need that.  You need to feel something other than this pit.

    The following night, you come back with a random man to the compound.  His arm is wrapped around your waist.  You notice that Steve notices.  You can’t bring yourself to care.  You needed some semblance of control again.  You once again failed and let emotions bury themselves within.  

  
   Then a few days later, he brought up the idea of five questions.  He had grown annoyed at the small snippets of a physical relationship but no semblance of an intimate relationship.  He wanted more.  

    “Five questions.” He said over breakfast.  “I want to get to know who you are again.”  You agreed.  Five questions.  Five answers.  

    His first was “if you could choose to be at any time and experience that, when would it be?”  Steve had some clever answer about watching the creation of the Earth.  You had a simple answer.  “Back when we loved each other.”

    That was all the confirmation that Steve needed.  This was going to work.  He needed this to work.  His next came after the conclusion of an Avengers mission.  “Why the Avengers?  Why now?  Why did you accept when Stark came calling?”  Your answer was simple again, “Why not?” You smirked and wandered off.

    His third question knocked you off guard.  It felt like a sucker punch to the gut.  It came right after you returned from a mission. Your clothes were torn.  He seemed angry at you for your continued reckless behavior.  He could see the handprints of a man’s through the rips.

    “Steve, not now.” you shove off his attempts to figure out what’s wrong.  

    “Wait… Wait… Y/N?” he chases after you, following you into your room.  You are ripping off the torn shreds and throwing on a skimpy shirt and shorts.  “Where are you going now? Shouldn’t you go down to the infirmary and get checked out?”

    “Not now Steve.  I just need some air.” What you really meant is that you just need some control.  Steve knew what you meant too.  You were going to seek comfort from another man.  

    “Wait!” Steve’s command sends shivers down your back.  “Wait.”

    “What?” You turn after hitting the elevator button.  Agitated.

    “Did you ever love me?”  The third question.  It sends shock through your body.  And that shock is plastered clearly across your face. 

    You turn around and walk into the elevator as it dings.  “I haven’t stopped.” you say as the doors close on an equally shocked Steve. 

    That night, you come stumbling home with a random guy holding you up.  Steve waits up to hear your giggle and laughter fill the air.  Before he turns to see you teetering beside some random bloke, he can smell the alcohol.

    A few days later he stops you.  “Give me 2 minutes.” he says.  You sigh and humor him.  

    “It was something that Peggy once told me…” you roll your eyes.  “She once told me she thought I was meant for more than this.  Back then she was talking about just being a puppet and a laughable joke to real soldiers.  But I also realize she meant… that I am meant for more than just for being a soldier and following orders.”  He glances over to gauge your reaction.  Your face is blank, so he continues.  “Stark also told me ‘the simple life.  You’ll get there some day’.  I said, ‘The man who wanted that went into the ice 75 years ago.’  I think both of us were wrong though.  I don’t want the simple life.  I don’t want complacency.  I want life full of complexity.  Full of intrigue.  Full of adventure.  Full of you.  Y/N, I don’t want a life without you in it.”  He stops for a split second.  “No more questions.  No more.  I will be here waiting for you.  Forever.”  He smiles slightly and walks off leaving you in shock with your heart raw.  He had just bared everything.  

    Once again, Tony throws another party.  This time just because.  Because he can.  Because he’s Tony Stark.  

    “You look beautiful tonight,” Jemma smiles at you with her hand in the elbow of Fitz.  

    “Thank you Jemma.” You smile at her.  “For everything.”  Your best friend had stuck with you through the hardest year of your life.  She waded through the lowest valleys and now she stood on the highest mountain with you.

    Steve glances around the room before finding your eyes as you walk into the room directly up to the bar.  

    “What will you have tonight, Miss?” the tender asks.

    “Just a water please.  Extra lime.” You say.

    “Just water eh?” Steve smirks.

    “Yep.” you flirt back.  It has been over a month since he said those words to you.  It’s been a month of you facing the deepest demons within yourself.  It’s taken a month to learn to trust again.  “I want to remember tonight.” you smile at him before moving to the dance floor.  

    Later that night, you find yourself moving in time with Steve.  He was surprisingly a good dancer.  He leans down and touches his forehead to yours.  His low voice warms your soul.  “Y/N, I promise I will never compare you.  You are beautiful and unique.”

    You close your eyes and breathe in deep before whispering, “Steve, do you still have the ring?”

    His eyes open abruptly, “Are you sure?”  Control is given up and full trust is placed with him as you simply nod and lean up to kiss him deeply.

    Stark smirks at the scene and steps back against the bar.

    “She’s finally happy isn’t she?” Coulson says softly.  “Thank you Stark.”

    “Perhaps Steve is better at seduction than we think.” Tony smirks.

    “What?!”  Coulson also chokes on his beer.  “Stark?”  He asks as Tony struts away.  “May?”  She smiles to herself.

    “Seducing commitment from the seductress.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, wow, this is not how I thought this was first going to turn out when I set down to write it. I was inspired by the scene when Rogers is destroying punching bags and Fury propose the Avengers. And here we are. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! See ya around, come chat with me [@musingpredilection on tumblr], I’m probably lonely :)


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